What should you say to somebody who is battling a mental illness, particularly a depressive disorder? A lot of times, our first instinct may be to tell them to cheer up. To remind them of all the happy things in their lives, all of the reasons they have to not be depressed. What this requires is an understanding of what depression is, and what it isn’t.
Oftentimes, people who are struggling with depression don’t feel sad. They feel numb. Some describe it as feeling nothing at all. And very frequently, it’s a chemical imbalance causing the symptoms and has little to nothing to do with the person’s current life situation. Sometimes a depressive episode can seemingly come out of nowhere. When a person asks, “Why are you so sad, your life is so good?” it not only invalidates the person’s feelings, it can cause shame and guilt. Depressed people feel these things enough without having other people place these emotions on them.
Depression can be so many things. It’s a loss of enjoyment of things that used to bring great happiness. It’s a feeling of hopelessness and helplessness. It’s not wanting to practice basic hygienic care – bathing, brushing teeth, and getting dressed can all feel exhausting. It’s eating too much or too little. It’s wanting to sleep all the time or not being able to sleep at all. It’s feeling worthless and burdensome. Sometimes it’s crying for hours at a time. Other times it’s the opposite of that, and just staring off into space, feeling a whole lot of nothing. Depression can look very different for different people, but one commonality remains. People who are depressed need love and support, especially when they’re pushing people away and possibly seeming difficult to love.
So how can you support a depressed person? What can you do to help them not want to push you away? First, realize that if somebody is talking about hurting themselves or others, it is imperative that you encourage the person to seek immediate help. The suicide and crisis lifeline is always available by calling 988. If the person is depressed, but not suicidal, the best thing you can do is simply be there for them. Don’t just say it, show it by actively showing up, checking in, and being present. You don’t have to talk. In fact, sometimes it’s better not to! Simply being there, sitting beside the person, showing that you really mean it when you say you’ll be there for them, is a huge help. Offer to listen, but don’t push. They’ll open up if they’re ready. Offer to help them clean their house or do laundry or other chores. Offer to ride along or drive them to complete errands they’ve been putting off. Try to encourage them to get out and go for a walk in nature. Take them out to eat. Send them small, thoughtful, humorous gifts – even it it’s just a meme. Check in often, but don’t over-do it. And if they push you away, tell them you’re still going to check in on them once a day via text or a phone call – whatever they’ll agree to. Keep it simple and lighthearted. Just a quick, “Hi. Just thinking of you.” is often enough to remind the person that they matter. What not to do? Never try to force them to talk. Don’t try to compare and tell them you know how they feel or you’ve been there, because everybody who experiences depression does so in their own way. Definitely do not tell them to cheer up or get over it. That’s one of the least helpful things you can do. Validate their feelings. Encourage healthy behaviors like attending a class or going for a walk or going to a yoga class, etc. by modeling and inviting them along. Don’t get frustrated when they decline, and don’t stop offering. Tell them it’s okay to say no, don’t make them feel guilty. Realize that you cannot “fix” somebody who is depressed. Love them where they are. Lastly, don’t feel like you must help the person on your own.
Encourage him or her to reach out to a professional who can assist in their treatment. It is not your job to try to help them get better. Your job is just to love them and accept them where they are. Set boundaries as appropriate. I’ll cover that more in another post. And don’t forget to take care of yourself too! You can’t pour from an empty cup.
RH Nature Nurtures 